Separation Anxiety or Preemie Parenting

I left the twins for 5 hours on Saturday. That's the longest I've ever been without them since they came home from the hospital. I leave them pretty frequently for an hour at the gym or 30 minutes to run to the store, but I can count on 1 hand the number of times I've left them for more than an hour. No seriously, because Saturday made it 3 times. That's it.

Some people have mentioned that I have attachment issues. Some said I might have separation anxiety and that's why I won't leave them. Honestly, I don't think that's really the case.

When they were in the hospital, I had extreme separation issues. I was convinced every time I left them, they were going to die and I wasn't going to be there. I called the NICU all the time and tried to spend 24/7 there, but realistically, and being an hour away from the hospital, it just couldn't happen.

When the time came to bring them home, they were still barely 4lbs a piece and required a LOT of attention. Jackson needed oxygen frequently throughout the day. They still didn't eat easily. It would take an hour to feed each one, and you couldn't feed them together because they required a lot of attention to get them to eat. After they finally ate, they would spit up so we had to keep them sitting up. I was also trying to still teach them to nurse. So it was nurse, bottles, pump, and very soon after that, repeat. They needed medicines and a lot of attention. On top of that, I was so glad I didn't have to say goodbye to them, I couldn't have even imagined leaving them for more than a quick trip to the store or sometimes for a jog around the block.

Now things have gotten much better. They eat quickly and know what they're doing. They have a good routine and it's easy to figure out what they need. Not just for me, but I think they're pretty predictable as far as eating, sleeping, and diapers go. They're interactive and playful and just all around, a ton more fun and easier to handle. They require very little medicine and except for the nighttime, they're pretty simple.

So why don't I leave them?

I honestly, seriously, truthfully, don't have a problem leaving them and would trust them with a good chunk of people in my neighborhood and family. But I don't want to leave them. I have fun taking them out to eat. They're so funny and hardly ever cry for no reason. They only really get fussy when they're hungry so if we keep them fed, they're happy as can be. I take them to parks, the store, on walks, and all kinds of places. Sure it's nice to get a little walk or jog in without the double stroller, but I can do that when my husband is home. He doesn't get to spend a lot of time with them since they go to bed soon after he gets home from work so I know he enjoys time with them and I like a few breaks to get away.

 The first 2 months of their lives, I didn't feel like a mother. I went from having these sweet little babies kicking me and rolling around in my tummy to having nothing. I went to sleep at night hoping and praying that my babies would be ok in the morning. I felt very disconnected from them and in the beginning, like I couldn't take care of them.

Now, I can take care of them. And I LOVE it. I know how lucky I am to have my babies and I love spending every second of it. I love our little family and love doing things together. I like making the babies a part of our lives in every way. I like breaks. I need breaks. But I don't need them all the time and don't want them all the time.

I wonder how many other preemie parents feel the same way. It's definitely a different kind of parenting to take care of preemies. Hopefully, someday, I'll be lucky enough to experience what it's like to care for a full term baby! It'd be very interesting to compare.

It was hard to leave them all day on Saturday but I wasn't crying over it, stressing or calling my husband every 5 minutes. They were fine without me too. I'm happy that they're not overly clingy. They like to play with me and will crawl up in my lap to cuddle a lot but they're also fine playing by themselves or with other kids.

Extra bonus, I got to bring them home a TON of freebies! The Military Children's Charity held a "Salute to Our Smallest" event at Los Alamitos Joint Forces Training Base. They had organizations like the Red Cross, Operation Homefront, Big Brother, Big Sister and the March of Dimes to give information to the military families that stopped by so I got to hang out at the March of Dimes table and give out info on prenatal and newborn care :) It was a lot of fun, but being a military family with 2 small babies, I also got to partake in the goodies! They handed out diaper bags, diapers, clothes, toys, books and a TON of goodies! So my kids were spoiled rotten by my afternoon away :)

They're growing up so fast! I don't want to miss a second! :)

11 month old twins

When did my babies get so big and how do I make it stop? A lot a lot has happened over the past few months since I last posted an update so here's what's going on with the twins...

Best accomplishment: Jackson can finally crawl, although he's still slow and not super coordinated but he's up on all fours and takes a few steps forward, which is much better than scooching backwards.

Amelia went from rolling, to scooching, to army crawl, to full on crawling in about .2 seconds. I can't even tell you when she started doing it. Every day she has a new trick. Now she moves around the house with ease, can go from sit to crawl to sit quickly and easily and climbs on everything! She pulls herself up to standing in a second. She's even started letting go and taking a step or 2 before falling on her butt. At this rate, she'll be walking tomorrow haha

Setbacks: Jackson still isn't growing. His movements are very uncoordinated and jumpy? I guess you can say. He isn't nearly as graceful as Amelia. Something seems just off. We're going to a few new doctors so we shall see.

Amelia hasn't really had any preemie issues. She's almost caught up in everything. She's been doing great :)


Teeth: Jack has 2 and Amelia has 6...or more. I don't go near her mouth anymore because I'd like to keep my fingers.

Sleeping: still sleeping 7pm-6:30 or 7am in separate cribs. We get asked a lot if they sleep together and they have never slept together. That would be a nightmare. Sometimes I want them in separate rooms because 1 little trouble maker (Amelia) instigates riots in the morning. And by morning, I mean 5am. Not ok. Luckily, they go back to sleep pretty quickly, but still. Not cool.

They're ready to go down to 1 nap. They usually have a little morning nap and a long afternoon nap, but they go without the morning nap pretty often and are fine.

The faces I get to wake up to in the morning :)

Eating: they both eat great! We're going to start bottle weening with Amelia so I'd love tips! I'm nervous about her getting enough to eat without her bottles. She eats regular food great but still loves her bottles. With jack, we are waiting until September. He's not ready yet. He is much more of an 8 month old than a 11 month old.

Clothes: jack wears 6-9 month and some 12 month. Amelia wears anything from 12mon to 2T depending on the brand.

Favorite activities:
Bath time

 

Riding in their cars or stroller around the neighborhood.

 

Swinging :)

Big things coming up!
Bestamor (grandma June) is coming to visit'
1st birthday party!!
1st birthday!!!!
First vacation to PA! We have a wedding to go to and several family members traveling up to meet the twins so it will be pretty busy!

Overall, they love each other, hold hands, mess with each other...a lot, play with each other, and it's been really fun watching them grow! I can't wait to see more :)

Happy Mother's Day

I'm not sure I even have a picture of me last mother's day. We were busy getting ready to move and I was still having morning sickness. I insisted to Tom that we shouldn't celebrate, even though I was 23ish weeks pregnant. I didn't feel like I'd done much as a mom yet. Sure, I was growing 2 babies, but I didn't count sitting on the couch throwing up as anything really special to celebrate. It's so crazy to think that about 2 weeks later, I left for Pennsylvania, thinking I still had a LONGGG way left to go in my pregnancy but 3 weeks later, my water broke, and everything changed.

This Mother's Day feels like my first full on celebration. I've been a mom now for almost an entire year to 2 of the sweetest little blessings in the world.

A day to celebrate being a mom with my family is just what I've been needing :) It's been a challenging and emotional year with lots of ups and downs but I am so happy to have my little blessings with me. I will never forget how lucky I am that they're here to celebrate this special day with me.

They've come so far this year and I am so so proud to be their mother. I couldn't ask for 2 better babies in the world.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there! I hope you have a wonderful day with your families!

Another Day, Another Doctor

Ok, this is just getting out of hand.

I've mentioned a few times we see quite a few specialists. Poor little Jack has a variety of issues, and some we still think are unknown.

So because 5 specialists (pulmonologist, GI, allergist, dermatologist, and urologist...although the allergist, dermatologist and urologist aren't preemie related issues) wasn't enough, let's throw 2 more into the ring shall we?

The basics. Jack still isn't growing. He's developing, but not at the pace he should. Something is going on. We just don't know what. Who doesn't love a good mystery? This mom. Thanks.

So our doctor now wants us to see a neurologist and a developmentalist. Jack also had about a gallon of blood drained out of him yesterday for lab work. We're hoping this will lead to some answers, or at least give us some base line information so we can track his progress over the next few years. We've been discussing the possibility of these doctors for some time, but everyone said to wait and we wouldn't really know anything until he was 2. The problems are there though. It's hard to ignore them. And eventually, I convinced everyone that rather than wait until he's 2, why don't we just figure things out now since we already know there's something wrong? Waiting is no fun.

So we'll see these doctors over the next few months. We'll continue with occupational therapy, possibly add some physical therapy in the mix, and hope for the best. Fingers crossed.

I still think this littleguy is perfect, but I'm a bit biased ;)

Just Another Day in Paradise

They're always such good helpers with the laundry ;)

Can't believe they'll be 11 months old in just 2 days! Where have my itty bitty babies gone??

Remember these little things when they were 3 months old?

And I thought they looked so big then! Stop growing up. k thanks :)

Born Too Soon

The twitter world is a buzz (a tweet?) with the #borntoosoon tag. So what is this all about?  Born Too Soon: The Global Action Report on Preterm Birth has been released, providing a clear breakdown country  by country of where pre term births happen. Everyone is talking about prevention, intervention and help for these parents and babies affected by pre-term birth, the reason my blog is even here.

I found a link-up on Brit Mums with some interesting questions for people to answer about premature birth, whether you were directly affected by it or not. 

One question she asked was how did I feel and cope at the time.

Whoa. Flashbacks. Let's hold back the tears shall we?

I've met a lot of parents of preemies lately. They're all so up beat, so positive. I want to punch them sometimes. We were all in the same boat. We all had the same emotions. Is it a coping mechanism that we're positive and upbeat with each other, now, now that one way or another, we've made it through the hardest part of prematurity. And no, the hardest part isn't just the NICU. I'm not even sure if we're completely out of the "hardest part" yet. Some preemies face challenges their entire lives. I'm not sure if we're in the clear yet. We might still have some challenges ahead.

So how does it feel to have a preemie?

I don't think anyone can really answer that unless you've experienced it. The fear. The anxiety. The sickness in your stomach that you might not get to go home with your baby. The panic when you've been given bad news. The constant babbling in your ear from the doctors, your family, friends, random strangers. The looks you get when you walk up to the maternity ward, see all the happy families waiting for their loved ones to give birth, then you make a left toward the NICU, and they all know your baby is sick.

How do you cope with all of those emotions? Do you cope? I'm not sure. I'm not sure I've coped at all. I've made it through, but did I have a choice? I couldn't breathe for my baby or make them magically grow. All I could do some days was hold their tiny, tiny fingers and cry.

Almost a year later, how does it feel to have a preemie? Like all parents, my heart left my body when I gave birth. It was in my precious little newborns. But unlike most parents, my heart was fighting to survive. My little hearts were so strong and they fought through and made it. We are so, so lucky.

Maybe a way I do cope is to let people know that my babies are preemies. They were born too soon. They aren't alone. Millions of babies across the world are fighting for their lives right now. And there is so much everyone can do to prevent prematurity, to help families of preemies, and to make a difference in a baby's life if you want to. You just have to want to help. There are organizations, there are NICUs near you, there are people in your life who probably have had a baby born too soon. You just need to reach out and want to help.

No baby should have to be born too soon.

March for Babies Los Angeles!

We had a blast last weekend at the March for Babies in Los Angeles!

It was held at Exposition Park, right by the USC campus.

We chit chatted and hung out at the family teams tent for awhile, as well as scoped out the great hand outs and freebies from all the companies that came out to support the March of Dimes.

The twins were obviously dressed for success...

and ready for their beautiful 3 mile walk.

 

 It was such a perfect Southern California day, they couldn't have asked for better weather.

Thanks to everyone's support, our team raised $1,146 for the March of Dimes! Thank you all so much!

We even got a little famous, one of the photographers put our picture up for the California Chapter of the March of Dimes.

 

 

 Apparently, we're just that cool. Or our kids are that cute ;)

After the walk, we lounged on the grass, ate some free food, mooched off of the Kmart team who were grilling up some awesome carne asada, and hung out with our friends. We had such a great day, for such a great cause. 

Just because the March if over, doesn't mean we're done with the March of Dimes! I signed up for a year round gig on the family teams programs committee and I'm excited to be involved in many more events. We'll actually be helping out at a March of Dimes booth at the Joint Forces Training Base in Los Alimitos for their Armed Forces Day "Salute to our Smallest". If you're local and want to come check it out, it's next Saturday1:30-4:30 at the Vet Center in Los Alimitos. It's for expecting parents and families with 0-2 year olds. Free diaper bags ;) I'm there! haha Come say hi!

We're so excited for next year's March already and thank you again to everyone who support Team Pepka Twins! :)

Busy bees

My biggest worry when Tom and I made the decision when we moved I'd be a stay at home mom, besides being a new mom to 2 babies, was being able to keep up our active life. I will admit, the first few months it was hard. I like to get out of the house and have things to do every day, so sitting at home feeling like I spent 24/7 feeding and changing diapers was a little challenging. I'm a believer in making the baby a part of your life, not making your life revolve around the baby though, so I quickly learned how to pack up, get out of the house and stay out for an extended time by myself with 2 kids.

When they were little, they mostly tagged along on errands, napping in their car seats or laying on a blanket while I met up with friends. Now that they're older and active, I'm finding I need to find things that we can all do together. Bigger challenge, things we can do together to stay active and busy and for free. This is one reason I'm so glad we live in California because they have tons of options.

Some things we've been up to lately...

Mommy and me music at the child development center on base. It's an infant class with lots of babies the twins age. They get to make friends, play instruments (obviously the drum is their favorite), sing and dance while mommy gets to hang out with other moms. Love it. Since its on base, we usually get lunch with daddy and friends or have play dates after with our class friends afterwards. It makes for a busy Wednesday and the twins always sleep well that night ;)

Swim class has been another fun activity. It isn't free but we have joined the Y and they have free classes that start later. Hopefully they'll be expert swimmers in a few months ;)

The local library has a ton of great programs, besides the totally awesome children's book area. Our new favorite activity is their preschool without walls program. It's a bilingual program, that I'm super excited about for the twins and myself, and it's free. They sing, dance, read books, do crafts, and all kind of fun activities in Spanish and English. I'm excited to see how the twins will do as they get older, if they'll sing in Spanish or count in Spanish :)

Being in the early intervention program also gives us access to free activities and developmental classes. We've been to 1 music class, a lot of the classes have been when we have doctors appointments but I'm hoping to get more involved with that soon.

We've found a few story times at libraries and the aquarium down the street from our house.

We've also joined a twins group, which I somehow got suckered into leading the infant playgroup haha and a mom's club. It's helped us meet a lot of great friends so I'm glad the twins have fun and so do I ;)

Overall, we have found activities to do pretty much every day. A quiet day at home has turned from something I dreaded to a nice break. The twins have been sleeping great, learning a lot and I'm excited to keep up with everything and see how they develop. They're getting so big and acting so grown up i can hardly stand it.

My new fear, or concern, is that the twins cling to each other. At preschool yesterday a little girl walks over, sits next to Amelia and starts holding her hand. It was a-feakin-dorable. Until Amelia growled at the girl, ripped her hand away and crawled into Jack's lap. I've always made sure to keep them around other kids so they'll learn to play well with others and avoid this type of thing. With this new fun stage of fear of strangers, it's made them clingy to me and each other. I'm hoping it's just a phase and they'll learn to play well with others soon. We'll see. Any twin mom tips? I love that they love each other but want them to be ok by themselves too.

Anyway, that's our life lately. It's been fun with my little rolly polly crawling babies. Now I need to plan an awesome birthday party for next month! Ahh!